Attempting Athletics

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As I mentioned before, I spent several days of my relaxing, if somewhat boring, spring break this year engrossed in Ken Burn's Baseball documentary, because history plus baseball plus documentaries equals awesome and this is what happens when I am bored, have time on my hands, and have Netflix. It was super interesting, because I am a history nerd and I love baseball, if a bit long, consisting of eleven episodes which are each two plus hours long. It really made me remember why I enjoy baseball so much (arguably: because I understand it better than other sports), and it also really made me miss playing softball. [SisterBot]'s first high school softball season just began, so I spent an inordinate amount of time over break talking about softball with both her and/or [PaternalUnit], because she has the same coach I had in high school, and really, softball and school are the two major topics of conversation between [PaternalUnit] and I these days.

All in all, I've really been missing playing it lately, but that could also be due to how I've been feeling fat and lazy recently. I can't say that I every really loved playing, and it's probably mostly just rosy recollection and nostalgia motivating my recent renewed interest, but I played fastpitch for seven years, and it was an important part of my life for awhile, even if it permanently messed up my elbow, gave me shin splints, and generally made me hate running.

I was never super athletic, even when I was young, mostly due my general lack of stamina and an inability to run at a any pace faster than a slow plod, but I tried really hard to be an athlete growing up, for reasons still unbeknownst to me. I played T-Ball, and soccer in the summers  and I ice skated a ton and played Bandy (a Nordic version of Hockey played with curved sticks and a ball) in the winters when I was little, and what I lacked in talent I made up for in spirit (or at least that's what they told me, and I realize now that was just a polite way of saying I sucked). I even made a brief foray into Basketball in middle school, and that went as well as could be expected. I wasn't actually the worst player on the team, but it was close, and I think I scored once during the two years I played.

I wanted to play baseball, but I knew I wouldn't go very far in little league before I was forced out because "baseball is for boys," or something, so I decided to do the next best thing and sign up for the local Fastpitch Softball team, much to my parents' amusement because by that time I was 10, and quickly losing any pretenses of being any sort of natural athlete (really, outside of persistance and decent hand-eye coordination, I didn't have much going for me in that department, I still don't). But I did it anyways, and I immediately loved softball. I became I decent catcher and I could hit fairly well, and the first several years were fun. My middle school team did pretty well in the local parochial school league and my summer team was perennially okay.

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Despite my enjoyment of playing, my problems socializing with the teams I played on arose rather quickly, because most of the girls I played with during the summer went to the same local public school and played on the same school team. I was only one of, at most, two girls who went to a different school, and I was always an odd man out on the team because of that, but that didn't bother me at first, until, after the better part of five years playing together, the core group of girls I played with attempted to form their own club team and asked everybody but the other Catholic school girl and I to be on it. They failed, and we played together again that year for the last time, but I really think that was the beginning of the end for me because for the first time I really realized, or was forced to admit, that I wasn't accepted as part of that team, even though we have been playing together since we were 10.

I played in high school as the back-up Varsity catcher, although I spent most of my time on JV, which I didn't mind because they were nicer anyways and I am not the most competitive person. I enjoyed playing, but I hated practicing every day and the endless running, so unnecessary to a game where at most you have to run 60 feet at a time (yes, 60 feet, because the base paths in fastpitch are 60 not 90 feet), gave me shin splints. My sophomore year things got worse, because, once again, the socialization aspect of team sports gave me problems. That year, I spent about a third of my time on Varsity, filling in whenever they needed a second catcher or a pinch hitter and playing with them when JV wasn't playing or they had a tournament. Despite this, only two people on the team would talk to me, the pitcher who I went to middle school with and was super nice, and the first baseman who I had played JV with the year before. I never felt like part of the team and that made it so that I never had any fun playing anymore.

I was going to play my junior year, and I was pretty much guaranteed the starting catcher spot, but the closer it got to the season starting, the less I wanted to play. Just the thought of playing was giving me anxiety, and it got so bad that I nearly burst into tears at an info meeting about the season. There wasn't any particular reason either, although at other times I have experienced something similar, where, for whatever reason, I just know that have to quit something I used to enjoy and I have a ton of anxiety about it until I do. Granted there were some other factors adding to my stress, like it being 11th grade which is stressful enough to begin with and I was thinking about coming out (which I didn't, but just thinking about it at the time was stressful) which was also giving me a lot of stress. I think maybe it had just run its course and I needed to be done, but quitting the softball team the week before the season started was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It was for the best, and I felt a lot better because of it, but I really felt like I was letting people down. I had made a commitment to the team and I was quitting, which is something that is difficult for me. I take my commitments and responsibilities seriously, and I hate feeling like I let someone down. It stimulates my guilt response, which, granted, isn't difficult.

I haven't played since, and I haven't regretted quitting, partially because the teams both my junior and senior years were fraught with drama including, but not limited to, periods where half the team wasn't on speaking terms, seniors getting freshman to flash people, alleged underage drinking, and a captain getting suspended. I cannot express how glad I was not to have to deal with that, but I do still miss playing, especially now that [SisterBot] made Varsity and spring is in the air so early. [Keeper of All Knowledge] has talked about us finding a rec slowpitch team to play for this summer, which would be fun. For the first time since I stopped playing, I actually want to play again, but I don't know if that's a good thing or if I'm just nostalgic for something that I never really had in the first place...