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It's so easy to say it to a crowd // It's so hard, my love, to say it to you out loud

I know quite a bit. I'm not saying that to brag; it's just a fact. My memory banks are full of facts and figures, algorithms, processes, and other assorted ephemera. But I don't understand all that much of it. I don't understand my own feelings, or other people and my relationships with them, or the outside world all that well. This blog is an attempt to bridge that gap, and to understand how all of those things fit together to make up who I am: a nerdy lesbian college student from the Upper Midwest who's afraid of feelings.

I am a lot of things, but a good communicator is not one of them, so I often stumble around a point or a feeling without really defining it, always justifying and deflecting and going off on tangents to avoid really dealing with whatever I happen to be avoiding at this particular moment. I am not in touch with myself or with my emotions (just look at how I define myself and my emotions as two discrete things), but I am trying to be, for whatever that's worth. I am an emotional and social idiot, with no idea how to handle strong emotions or relate to people on an emotional level. I can talk all day about just about anything, but ask me how I am really feeling and I shut down. I am not proud of this, but it is who I am. This is where I'm starting, but I am trying to change, to be more open and really be able to talk about/deal with the serious and important stuff. That being said, I do try to mix up all the self-pity/whining with fun, random stuff from time to time.

A visual representation of me: so dense light can't even escape 

This is a collection of whatever I feel is important, be that something I'm interested, an opinion, or how I happen to be feeling. I do make an effort for what I post to be meaningful and varied, not just a list of what I did today, but I don't make any promises. This is mostly an exercise in catharsis: an attempt to sort out what it is I am thinking or feeling at any given moment, to figure out who it is I am in this crazy world we inhabit. I don't have any answers; all I've got is the story of me, whatever that is. Make of that what you will.