Post Script

I don't know if you'll read this, but regardless, this is for you. I should probably not be writing this now. I should probably wait until I have a little bit of perspective, until I can write this without crying, but it's what's been going on in my head, and I need to say it, and I want to say it before I over think it all more than I already have.

I can't get it out of my head: you walking out of my room that night. It was everything that I've feared for the last two months, for the last year. I didn't see it coming, not really, which makes it that much worse. I mean, in retrospect, I can say, that to some extent I knew that what we had meant something different to me than it did to you. That my feelings were different, were going somewhere that yours weren't, which is fine, but in the moment, everything seemed okay, to me. And now I feel stupid and naive. Like I should have seen it coming, or felt that you weren't happy, even though I know that I couldn't have.

Maybe this is for the best, and going through this now and being able to still have something with you is better than holding on for a little bit longer and losing you altogether, but it doesn't feel that way. I think that's because ever since we met, I've wanted something with you, and then I got it, and it was different than what I expected, but everything is, and different isn't bad. Regardless, it was wonderful, it felt so right, and every time I laid in bed with you I wondered how I could be so lucky as to be with you. I should have told you that more. I guess that I have to lose that so as not to lose you completely, but I don't want to.

These aren't regrets, per se, because I don't think it could have happened any other way on either of our parts, but these are things, that if I could change, I would, or maybe they're lessons for the future, things I learned or am learning, I guess. Anyways:

I wish I would have kissed you more. I wish I would have bought you flowers; I always intended to, but I didn't, and now it's too late. I wish I would have taken your hand, or touched your face, or held you more often, and with more confidence. I wish I had told you how amazing, and beautiful, and intelligent you are, and how much you mean to me, more often. I wish I could have made you happy in the way that you made me happy.

I don't think than any of these things would have made an appreciable difference, I do believe you when you say that I did nothing wrong and I don't blame myself, but they would have made me feel better about it, about myself, like I did everything I could have.

Just know this: I'm not mad,  I don't blame you for anything; I really do believe everything you told me, and I'm not just saying that. Right now I'm sad and I'm hurt, but, ultimately, I'm glad that we had something special for two months. I'm glad that you're in my life, and that you're my friend. I don't understand why it had to be this way, but I respect your reasons and your decision, even if I don't like it. I'll be okay, and I know that you will be too.

Anyways, I know that I've said most of this already, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything like that, because I know that you did what you thought and felt was right and that it was hard for you to do. This isn't to try to get you to change your mind or anything. This is just what I'm feeling right now, in an effort to actually tell you something about myself, something important.

There is so much more I want to say to you, and so much more that I wish I had, but this post already took a really long time to write, and was one of the hardest things I have ever written, and I want to say something of meaning, without rehashing or falling into old cliches, which I hope this didn't do too much. This is all that I've got right now, all that I can do at the present, but I know that it will get better, and that you'll be there when it does.