Guilt Tripping

The other day I got a package from my paternal grandmother, which made me happy for no other reason than I enjoy getting mail, but made me happier still because it contained, among other things, cookies, which are always appreciated. It was nice of her, and she included this note with it:

Hi,

      I spoke with your Dad a few days ago and he reminded me I hod never sent you a care package. I baked some cookies yesterday so I thought this was a good time to rectify that situation. I hope you can forgive a forgetful grandma.

      I hope you are well and school is going well. Did you have a good summer? Your Dad told me you had a lovely trip to Germany. I really envy you. I wish I had traveled at least a little when I was young and healthy enough to be able to experience it. That is surly one of the things in my past life that I would change.

       You have probably heard that [CousinBorg] had her 4th surgery on her ankle yesterday. I certainly hope this is going to be the lucky one that cures her problem. She has had enough misery already in this lifetime.

       My life has change[d] a lot since I have left my house. I have a very nice apartment here but it isn't home. It's hard to lose so many memories after living in the same house for 62 years. I hope in time, this will seem more like my home.

       Stay well and take care. God Bless.    [Irish Name].

First of all, why is [The Paternal Unit] telling my grandma to send me a care package? It was thoughtful, but it just seems a little bit, I don't know, manipulative maybe. That's not quite it, but I can't really put my finger on why this makes me fell weird, but it does.

Secondly, this note, while thoughtful, makes me feel incredibly guilty. Like I haven't paid enough attention to her or something. In truth, we've never been particularly close, me being on the young side of over a dozen cousins, and I haven't seen her since my grandpa's funeral in March. With the sheer amount of misery and regret she manages to pack into this short of a letter, it would make any reasonable person feel bad, but I have a hard time reading it because of the guilt.

Granted, it doesn't really take much for me to feel guilty, as it seems to be one of the emotions that I am most in touch with, and I tend to look guilty at times for no reason, which has prompted [The Maternal Unit] to ask me if I "had something to tell" her on several occasions.

When I tell people about this tendency towards guilt, they tend to associate it with my somewhat Catholic upbringing and the decade plus that I spent in Catholic schools, but I really don't think that it has to do with Catholic guilt.  Catholic guilt is predicated on the idea that you always feel like you're doing something wrong because it is nearly impossible to be a good Catholic and not break any of the enormous amount of rules, but, despite the best attempts of several different Religion teachers, Catholicism just never worked for me and I'm not particularly religious. And I can't say it has to do with coming from a Catholic family either, because we don't even go to mass on Christmas or Easter.

So, eliminating the most likely source just leaves my own personality and neuroses as the source of my somewhat ever present guilt. It probably has something to do with the fact that [The Maternal Unit] 's favorite tactic to get me and [The Sibling Bots] to do something was, and still is, the guilt trip, and it also probably has to do with my tendency to over think things and construct a worst case scenario for everything that happens. And that that I tend to worry about every little thing probably doesn't help either. Ultimately, I don't really know; it's just a part of who I am. I really should just accept it and move on with my life, rather than dwelling on a part of myself that I don't particularly enjoy, but as it is, I am now feeling guilty about feeling guilty. It really is getting ridiculous.