Family Ties

(via)

My great uncle died last week, which, because I had only met him once or twice and am not really all that upset when old sick people die anyways, meant awkward family time at his wake and funeral this week. Usually I am not required to go to my parent's aunts and uncles funerals due to a general never having met them/am too far removed for it to matter if I'm there or not, but this particular great uncle was [MaternalUnit]'s god father and she was close to him/some of his 13 kids. This meant that, out of family obligation and a respectful showing of support, I couldn't dodge both the wake and funeral. I chose the wake, because it was in the evening so I could go, plus, wakes, in my quite limited experience, are less awkward than funerals, and it is more acceptable not to be outwardly sad. There really is nothing more awkward, I think, than being at a funeral for someone you didn't/barely knew and having people who actually did know them crying all around you. I am not a sympathetic cryer, and being one of the only dry eyes in the house is not really that enjoyable.

I spent most of the time we were actually at the wake milling around with [SisterBot] and meeting people I had never met before but was apparently related to. Lots of first cousins once removed and second cousins. Even a couple second cousins once removed. As I mentioned before, this family had 13 kids, most, if not all, of whom are married with kids of their own, of which, I had met three or four prior to this event, so there were a lot of people there. They had even made name tags with their relation to the deceased so people knew who they were, because there were so many of them, which did help me keep people straight.

The whole thing made me realize how much I've pulled away from my family recently, distancing myself from my parents in particular. I've never been particularly close with my immediate family, but, in high school, I had a fairly good relationship with my parents. To the extent that I tell people things, I told [MaternalUnit] a decent amount, and we used to play cards until two in the morning on a regular basis. I didn't really have close friends in high school, so I was pretty much always at home, having nowhere else to be, and I would spend time with my parents in lieu of anything else to do. My siblings are a different matter, as [BrotherBorg] and I have always butted heads in a fairly standard sibling way, and up until recently, [SisterBot] and I rarely spoke despite our adjoining bedrooms. I'm really similar to both of them in very different ways, but the age difference, I'm the oldest by four years, and normal sibling politics kept us from being very close. And that's pretty much how it always was, through high school, and even for my first semester of college, when I would see them nearly every weekend for one thing or another, although I rarely stayed the night at home.

I first noticed a shift away from that paradigm this past summer, when I was at home for break with nothing to do due to my persistant unemployment, although I think it probably started last spring, and it has carried through this year. I don't really want to be at home anymore, and when I am, I spend my time either in my room or, weather permitting, walking around my neighborhood. I don't really talk to my parents much at all anymore, outside of when necessary when I'm home and my weekly phone call at school. When I'm home, I just want to be left alone, and I have very little patience for [MaternalUnit] and [BrotherBorg], which leads to more guilt from [MaternalUnit] and arguments with [BrotherBorg]. It's not their fault, really, it's me, and I don't really know why, other than this being the normal teenage process of pulling away from family that I'm just experiencing a little bit later than most. The more independence I have at school the more I miss it when I'm at home, and the closer I get to my friends the father I get from my family. It's gotten to the point that I don't look forward to school breaks anymore, outside of the extra sleep and stress relief that comes with not having homework, because I don't enjoy sitting at home doing nothing for long periods of time anymore.

The funny thing about all of this is that I've gotten a lot closer with [SisterBot] over the past year. Ever since she realized that I would drive her places when I'm home, we've started talking a lot more, and when I'm home, we hang out in her room and talk when we both happen to be in the house at once. Every time we talk, I'm amazed by how similar we are in both temperament and personality, despite have somewhat different social experiences. I always thought that we couldn't be more different because the social stuff is so easy for her and so difficult for me, but I'm realizing that despite that, we have a lot more in common than I thought.

I know that most of this is pretty normal, and if I just give myself some time and space from my family, I'll end up getting closer to them again eventually. I just want to be able to do that without offending someone or having everything blow up in my face. If someone gets mad, it will either be [MaternalUnit] or [BrotherBorg], I'm not sure which, and I don't want that to happen, but I also don't really want to have to spend a lot of time with them right now, for all of our sakes. Their family, and I love them and always will, and family's important, I just don't really want to be in the middle of it right now.