Roses Are A Variety of Different Colors

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Given my complete and utter lack of a life, combined with the sheer amount of work I have to do this week, I didn't do anything different than my normal Tuesday night, which involves sitting at the library doing homework. I did end up at my friends' place later, but that had to do our long and convoluted saga of figuring out housing for next year, which is thankfully drawing to a close.

Valentine's Day need's more fractals (via)

I don't really have any feelings about Valentine's Day in general. It's not one of my favorite holidays because I've never had any cause to celebrate it (much like Arbor Day), but at the same time, I don't hate it. Although I've always been single in February, I'm not bitter about being single and I like idea that we have a holiday dedicated to romance and people in love. Deep down in my heart of hearts, under all of the neuroses and insecurities, I'm kind of a romantic, although I don't show it really at all. I've always wanted to go all out for Valentine's, the whole nine yards, with flowers and a fancy dinner and all of it. When, eventually, I am in a relationship over Valentine's, that's what I want to do. Life is too short to bitch about consumerism and heteronormativity and all those other things bitter people use to justify hating Valentine's Day (my spell check doesn't recognize 'heteronormativity' and I cannot tell you how happy that makes me). And it's also too short to be bitter about what you don't have rather than happy with what you do have.

All that being said, yesterday (Valentine's Day) bummed me out way more than I anticipated. Seeing all of the Valentine's stuff everywhere and all the couples stuff made me think about everything that happened last semester with [Львица], which doesn't really bother me in and of itself anymore, but it did bring out pretty much all of my insecurities surrounding it again. The irrational, insecure part of myself was in full swing, and I couldn't help but think about all the thinks that I think I did wrong. Like, somehow, if I had just been more communicative, if I had been able to open up and really talk about the serious and important stuff things would have been different. I suspect that that's not the case, but I can't change the way that I feel, or that I will always have insecurities. Frankly, thinking about what happened bothered me less than the fact that three months later, it still bothers me. It is true, that most of the time, I'm fine with all of it. I'm not sure I've moved on completely, but I am okay with everything that happened. But I still have bad days, where, for whatever reason, I'm sad and lonely and feel like I can't connect with anyone in a meaningful way, although they happen less now, to the point where it's occurring at a rate that is probably about average for everyone, and can no longer actually be linked to the events of last semester. I think it's less that it happened now and more that it's an easy thing for me to fixate on when I'm in that type of mood.

Frankly, it probably wasn't even the fact that it was Valentine's Day that was bumming me out, as much as that it just happened to be a bad day due to a handful of other mitigating factors like that fact that it hasn't been sunny very much lately and that it was a Tuesday. I have noticed lately that the weather has a real effect of my mood, to the point where if it's overcast and gloomy for a week, I am much more tired and much more likely to have sad/lonely/insecure days than when it's sunny. This dank, February weather with the constant clouds, or at least it seems that way, has not been good for me, which definitely could contribute to yesterday's gloominess of mind. As for Tuesdays, they just suck. Tuesday is by far the worst day of the week for me, for no discernible reason. As far as my schedule goes, it's not bad, but for whatever reason, if I have a noticeably bad day, 7 times out of 10 it is a Tuesday. This isn't to say that every Tuesday is bad, because plenty of them are just fine, but they do seem to be overrepresented among the days of the week when it comes to days I feel shitty and hate myself.

What I'm saying here, is that I was bummed out yesterday and was definitely at a local minimum in the function that is my self esteem, and yesterday was also Valentine's Day, but there were also a series of other factors that could have lead to said bad mood. I almost felt worse that I felt bad about a breakup on Valentine's Day than I did about anything else, because it is so cliched that it made me want to scream. I like my life right now, and I really have nothing to complain about. Today was a lot better, which just confirms my suspicions that Tuesdays have it out for me (assuming an abstract concept like the days of the week could actually have it out for someone, but I think we all know than can...And now I sound super paranoid. I'm really in for it if Arbor Day is on a Tuesday this year...)